it does seem like things happen more when you’re young. not in quantity but in quality. idk. maybe like, in intensity. or density. maybe just the whole universe stuffed into a bunch of different pockets in ur life. some kinda side effect of youth you never notice is there until it’s gone. but i kno there’s always that weird element of more-ness. like when i was 11, and i swear it snowed like the world was ending every winter. and how it used to rain so hard. i used to think every stop light was an almost-car-crash. and a field was so full of stuff, so good at being a field, that i might’ve considered each of them to be small terabithias. and all of them killed me and all of them made me cry. now, when i ride my bike thru the county there’s only scraps of rabid cement, bits of leftover magic. everything feels like the place the dog goes when it knows it’s about to die. i think some parts of the more-ness might’ve tried to save themselves. in a stupid way. but they didn’t know better when they tunneled into me and stuck around like rats. i can hardly be mad. i know how energy in danger desperately seeks out other energy. on weekends i walk down to st anthony and i see what movie is playing. most of the time i don’t wanna watch it but i sometimes see them anyways. movies used to be so full of the more-ness. i could hardly stand it. it’s not the same anymore, but i still go. i let the rats in my gut hear how the world has changed. how the bass has dulled, and the darkness is less-dark, and how even the kids in the back know they shouldn’t do anything more than hold hands. i don’t know why it happens. just that it does. and sometimes i wonder about gravity. about my hands. about the way space is just the stuff existing and not-existing around all the more-ness. about how there’s too much of it now, space i mean, and i hate having so much room to breath. it was so easy when everything happened quick as revolving doors. i miss bumping into it all, swelling my hip against sharp corners, letting my heart grope and finding everything too hot to touch.
I think next thursday is gonna be the best day of my entire life tbh










